Sézane Try-On: Dress Me Like A French Girl

Well, I was seduced again. I went on the Sézane website, saw that absolutely everything on there would almost definitely make me look like a twenty year-old Parisian sex-kitten from the seventies and then ordered a load of stuff.

It arrived (after un petit delay), I unwrapped my haul from its très pretty paper and tried everything on. Did I immediately look like a twenty year-old Parisian sex-kitten from the seventies?

Mais non.

Probably something to do with the fact that I am not twenty and so my boobs, absolutely fine though they are, do not have the sort of lush, rounded fulsomeness that can make a bog-standard cotton henley t-shirt look the most alluring garment ever created.

And also to do with the fact that Sézane are simply masters of styling and French-cool clothing presentation to the point of near-deception. They could make a binbag look come-hither. How they have managed to make their “Brut Sexy” jeans look good in the photos is beyond me – in real life they have the weirdest shape that seems completely at odds with every single part of the human anatomy.

(You need space for your hips? No can do. But listen: we’ve taken the space that you needed in that département and allocated it to the thigh area. And yes, we know they’re a bit short in the leg but don’t worry – we’ve added that fabric right to the top so that you can feel even more uncomfortably encased in stiff, unyielding denim.)

I jest. Sézane make some really very lovely things. It’s just that – for me at least – the reality of trying them on is so, so far from the fantasy I buy into when I browse the site. Because yes, the oversized shirt is gorgeous but am I really going to wear it unbuttoned to the navel (from both top and bottom) with no bra underneath? Je thinks not. Yes the cardigans are somehow the most seductive-looking cardigans on earth but am I going to pop to Sainsbury’s with my cardi hanging entirely off one shoulder? Or worn back to front? Will I be able to weigh my bananas on the loose items scales without losing my knitwear entirely?

It’s like this ongoing shoulder robing trend. (Stay with me.) Fashion people online often wear their coats thrown over their shoulders, like cloaks, rather than putting their arms through the sleeves like standard issue coat-wearers. This makes nearly every single coat they wear look both excellent and incredibly dramatic due to the extra volume created and the fact that they now have this impressive square-shouldered silhouette, like a quarterback. You can see why medieval lords flung a cloak on: instant gravitas and don’t fuck with me, Badulf vibes.

But there’s a problem with shoulder-robing your coat and it is this: you cannot possibly perform any sort of task, even the most menial, without having your arms properly poked through your sleeves. If you shoulder robe then your arms effectively become pinioned to your sides – if you move them too much, or if you decide in a sudden, irrational moment that you’d like to stoop down to pick up the phone you’ve just dropped or to tie a shoelace in order to prevent yourself from tripping and breaking your own neck, the coat will slide off.

What a time to be alive.

Anyway, hats off to Sézane because they’ve absolutely got me. I’m never not going to be lured in by photos of models with perfectly undone Sam McKnight hair looking effortlessly cool and youthful and un petit peu kittenish. Even as I type this post I have another tab open: for their new season collection that has just dropped today. (Find it here*.) And there are at least five items in my basket already that I know will instantly transform me into the sort of girl who never wears thermal leggings, has an inherited apartment in the 7th arrondissement and doesn’t have to unzip her jeans after lunch.

Here’s a little video of what I tried on in this particular Sézane order – stay tuned for the inevitable next instalment as I am nothing if not a glutton for punishment… If you’re reading this via email subscription then the video will be at the end of the post.

I tried:

Slim Parfait Jeans in Light Blue, Size 12 – £95 here* – considering keeping, let me know what you think!

Max Shirt, Very Light Denim, Size 8. £95 here* – considering keeping once I’ve found at least three ways to wear it, not including “otherwise naked” or “with lace knickers” because they don’t count as outfits and I’d like all shirtmakers to know this.

Brut Sexy Jeans, Indigo, Size 10. £95 here* – non, non, non.